The Truth (and Lie) About Being Vulnerable

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We live in a day where there’s a lot of high talk about the glories of being vulnerable. So much so that some people even boast about it.

“Look at how awesome I am. I just got vulnerable. (Applause please. Back pats warranted too.)

Of course, no one verbalizes that. But this prideful mindset is behind much of so-called “vulnerability” today.

Vulnerability is a two-edged sword. It has a dark side that few talk about.

Let me ‘splain.

Being vulnerable is good when you are in a relationship with a person whom you trust. You take the risk of opening up your heart to them. But as you do, you have zero expectations about their reactions. And you don’t demand anything from them.

This is healthy vulnerability. And it builds trust and intimacy.

But vulnerability becomes toxic when you EXPECT the other person to fix your problem just because you’ve unloaded all your private thoughts and feelings to them.

In other words, vulnerability is dark when you are outcome dependent – a topic we talked about a few weeks ago. (See This is Sabotaging Your Relationships.)

In this regard, vulnerability becomes a subtle form of victimization and manipulation.

You don’t consciously think these thoughts, but here’s what the internal dialogue would be if it could be voiced.

“I’m going to get vulnerable with my girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/fiancé/best friend about my inner-most feelings and struggles because they will feel pity, and therefore, comfort me, validate me, make me feel better, and solve my problem.”

That, dear friends, is the dark side of vulnerability. And it repels and turns others off because it puts pressure on them to fix your problem. It also reveals immaturity and neediness on your part.

Let me run it by another way.

When you admit something to a person close to you or share your deepest troubles with them, BUT you have no expectations at all from them, this is deeply appreciated and even attractive (in the case where it’s a romantic partner).

This kind of outcome-independent vulnerability is an expression of humility.

HOWEVER, if you are vulnerable with someone close to you YET you take no agency to try and fix your own issue, you’re playing the victim and your “vulnerability” becomes mere childish complaint. This pushes the other person away from you and creates disrespect in their heart.

Conclusion: Recognize the value of being vulnerable and practice it. But be extremely careful to do so without any expectations or pressure.

This distinction means the difference between drawing others closer to you or pushing them away.

Postscript: I discuss this more in my book Hang On, Let Go.

I’m being vulnerable by telling you that. 🙂

Your brother,

fv

Psalm 115:1

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